all fun things you can do on your website because it’s your little house
do you sometime just get filled with___
if you’re also scared of baffing, what’s the biggest hurdle for you? maybe scared is not the right word but like it entails a lot of processes that just… man.
I once had my ideal shower room plan, though the place had many commas in finishing. the entire room was the shower. an overhead shower. on with one turn. off with one turn. a window above my head height. a small ledge just for my one soap. no rack so i couldn’t hang my towel there. had to hang it outside.
there was no friction. once I entered, there was nothing else to do but shut up and let water wash over me.
there was no heater too though. but the house was simple in that my tank got warmed by the sun during the day and cooled at night, so the water was nicely warm in the evening or nicely cool in the afternoon.
hot bread
i wonder if i’m going to make it just because i think i’ll make it for sure. whatever ‘it’ means to me.
guess my favourite colour and as a reward think of your own favourite colour and enjoy it for two seconds
my AC’s wall plug is sparking… has been sparking for a few days now actually… on and off… but it sounded like water dropping, yesterday. i’m not sure why.
but now that i heard it sound like sparking, i can’t behave like i’m unaware of the hazard. now, i must turn the AC off and suffer the heat.
actually, precisely, suffer the annoying oily feeling all over my face just because i decided to put leave-in conditioner in my hair. and i spent a good chunk of my account balance on. this is why people don’t try new things.
i just haven’t figured out yet what to do with my hair. and the hair is beautiful, full and luscious o. like it could be bretman rock if… hahahahaha the joke actually applies here… if my mum didn’t relax my hair when I was a kid.
I love TikTok, a lot. that app is carrying 89% of my everything, I can’t lie. God bless our clock!
I read today on Substack that suicidal thoughts and ideation can be used generatively, as in you can use them to ask yourself what parts of your life need to go.
I refreshed my tl just as I was reading the note, so I couldn’t get the full gist.
someone once asked me if i believed in luck, as in could people be unlucky. i don’t really remember exactly how it was phrased but i began to think out loud, exploring my belief which was sha around that i don’t think anyone is unlucky. but they interjected and insisted, perhaps not verbatim, that surely a baby born with xyz in abc place was unlucky. how can i say that no one, even such a child, is unlucky. i wasn’t sure completely how i could say so, i hadn’t finished thinking about it, or found the language, but i knew that my thinking thus far had brought me closer to a conviction that no one is unlucky.
what’s always interesting to me about that memory was how I was somewhat embarrassed for his bad manners. embarrassed is not the word at all. but it was that i’d remember the day and wonder, I wonder if he regrets doing that, asking me a question when he was more interested in having his conviction corroborated than in my answer. and then I’d feel sorry for him and hoped he wasn’t hard on himself. and then I’d catch myself doing that and remember that what was going on in my mind was 100% my own problem. instead of feeling the feeling of yeah i didn’t like that someone asked me a question and i didn’t feel listened to; i went straight to- eyah, poor him for this guilt my encounter with him may have caused him.
first of all, what he did was not a crime. I was offended yes, even though I couldn’t feel offended for a long time, but it was a random question by a stranger. secondly, powerful training there- to feel sorry for a person when I feel they’ve hurt me/my feelings. carrying around a well-worn groove of feel hurt → doesn’t register the hurt because has no real conscious idea what to do with feeling hurt → has to do something because there’s an energetic charge of someone has been hurt → feels and sometimes says sorry to the person I feel hurt by.
often tiktokers/therapists/llms/people i’m having conversations with immediately ask me if it’s a pride thing, not wanting to look like the person someone took for idiot, or a moral high ground thing wanting to look like the bigger person. No, it’s a fear thing. That I’d say you fucked me up, and nothing will be done about it, no acknowledgement, no sorry, or they’d deny it and argue with me about not what they did but my right to feel hurt, or they’d walk away and slam the door in my face like ‘lmao you thought that was fucking you up, wait till I show you what getting fucked up means’.
like a well-worn groove of proving to some internal watcher that I’m not going to make a scene, not going to hold a grievance, not going to be the person who felt wronged and stayed feeling wronged. whole timeee, i still felt wronged and stayed feeling wronged. haha!
One tiktok person was saying the other day that it’s time to reclaim your sense of, your right to [innocence]. this is me passing the message along.
So, someone can be a basically decent person. What they did can be relatively minor. They may never apologise. They may have had good intentions. And I have to allow/remember to register that I felt hurt. And I have to allow/remember that I can ask for an apology too, whether of not I will get one.
That I can let myself think and say I didn't like that. I felt dismissed...without immediately crossing the room to make sure the other person is comfortable. I’m putting in my reps at the gym, but my body still do be itching me when I don’t immediately cross the room to tell the person sorry. Like you know how in Shrinking Season 1, how that guy’s body used to pepper him to immediately cross the room and beat another person up.
The other thing has been getting it into my veins that I don’t have just the two options of ‘If I acknowledge that I was hurt, I'm accusing someone, and I must get the justice of consensus that my hurting happened and is valid.’
or ‘If I'm not accusing them, then I shouldn't say I was hurt.’
There’s a gentle third: ‘I am a trustworthy witness to my own experience, before and without. I cry when I’ve been cut, before litigating the floor’s actions or intentions.’
I may one day move from that to, ‘And you will pay, bitch, whether you meant to or not, if you didn’t mean to, next time, you’ll be careful.’ I respect it but do not admire it. Apples. Oranges.
Still making mistakes that save my life, still learning, still thinking about it all.